NYNM...Or Not?

I went into 2014 with a quest to become a "new me."

It sounded good.

You know?

So romantic...promising...fulfilling...hopeful.

It's June.

I've been at this almost six months.

I've managed to shed 35 pounds.

My body has shrunk allowing me to get rid of old baggy clothes and buy new fun ones.

I have muscle definition when I look at myself in the mirror.

I can cross my legs like a lady now.

And I walk with a little bit more pep in my step and confidence in my stride.

While I'm happy with the changes that have been happening, I have to ask myself, have I really changed who I am these last six months?

Am I a new person?

A different Michelle?

I had a moment yesterday where I was forced to think about the idea of a "new me."

And the more I thought about this, the more I just felt silly for thinking that in 2014 I could become her.

Because lets be real for a minute.

When I think about a "new Michelle" she is a healthy and fit person who can't wait for her next workout and can eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants it, and she will never, and I mean never gain a pound.

See why I said romantic...promising...fulfilling...hopeful???

Because when it comes down to it, six months into a mission to change myself, I am still struggling with the same things that I've struggled with my whole life.

I still love desserts.

Every. Single. One. Of. Them.

And I still sometimes can't make myself stop eating them. 

When I'm exhausted I still find myself wanting to throw in the towel and forget that I care about being healthy.

Sometimes when I'm so sore it hurts to move, I find myself pressing snooze too long and have to cut my workout short, or I miss it all together that morning.

Some days I go home from a stressful day of work and I just want to order a pizza and eat the whole thing. Then make cupcakes. And instead of eating one, eat three...or four.

I still drink beer.

I love working out, but there are times when I would rather give up my left arm to not have to drag myself to the gym.

I sometimes still find when I'm feeling overwhelmed, bored or sad (to name a few emotions) I want to eat anything and everything contained in the 4 walls of my kitchen so I can forget about those feelings, just for a little bit.

On the weekends, I still find myself wanting to eat everything. And by everything, I mean everything. If it has chocolate in it, I'll have double.

You see, I'm still the same girl I was six months ago. And six years ago. And sixteen years ago.

The last six months haven't changed who I am.

They've just forced me to dig deeper and push harder when I felt like I couldn't go anymore.

They've taught me that I don't need to drink at every social outing, because sometimes beer just isn't worth undoing the workout you did that morning.

They've made me realize that when I am overwhelmed with emotions and want to turn to food to numb the feelings, that making it through the day without turning to food is the best way to cope. Even if it is so, so, SO hard in that moment. And to have a few things in your arsenal to keep you busy for when it's so hard you could scream.

So, long story short, this new year has brought me a leaner more toned body, but I'm still a mess. 

And will probably always be a mess.

Because these things I struggle with are never going to go away.

They will always be there no matter how fit, healthy, skinny or toned I am.

But these last six months have been precious.

Why?

Because I've learned to have grace with myself and to love myself through these struggles. And when I have a bad day, or days, to pick up the pieces and put them back together to make tomorrow a better day.

Disclaimer: I am continually working on this and by no means have I mastered this skill. It is a day by day journey for me. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time.

And that is all I could have ever hoped for in this new year. To love myself a little bit more, strive to do better and be better every day, and learn to be a little less messy.

Cheers to the next six months...six years...sixty years!